In 2013, I had the pleasure of hearing Tina Payne Bryson speak at the Momentous Institute’s Changing the Odds conference. In preparation for the conference, I read the book she had recently co-authored, The Whole Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind, Survive Everyday Parenting Struggles, and Help Your Family Thrive. Chapter by chapter, I was hooked. As a marriage and family therapist who works primarily with children and parents, the foundation of the book resonated so much with my perspective on interacting with children: when you understand how a child’s mind develops and functions, you can help that child learn through experiences and challenges.

Bryson, a parenting expert, collaborated with Daniel Siegel, a neuropsychiatrist, to co-author the book. By explaining the new science of how a child’s brain is wired and matures, Bryson and Siegel help parents use everyday moments to integrate a child’s brain and allow for essential growth opportunities. The ideas of the book are based in science, substantial research, years of clinical experience, and knowledge of child development. Those terms may seem overwhelming to a non-professional, but the book’s message is relatable and clear for all readers.

Research tells us that experiences and relationships significantly shape how a child’s brain develops. The Whole Brain Child helps caregivers understand how they can directly influence and nurture that development in a positive way. As stated in the book, “by understanding a few simple and easy-to-master basics about how the brain works, you’ll be able to better understand your child, respond more effectively to difficult situations, and build a foundation for social, emotional and mental health.”

When logic and emotion work together

One of those “easy-to-master basics” is the idea of integration. Described throughout the book, integration takes the distinct parts of the brain and helps them work together so the brain can perform at its best. We want children to be able to use their “left-brain logic” and their “right-brain emotion” together. We also want children to thoughtfully consider their actions while also honoring their instincts. Because children aren’t yet prepared to make these connections on their own, they need the support from loving caregivers who offer continued, consistent experiences for children to make connections between different parts of the brain. We, as adults, can help our children become integrated so they can use their whole-brain.

"Connect and redirect."

Understanding the basics of the brain is one thing, but putting that understanding into action is another. Each strategy comes with a memorable title to help parents and caregivers access the skill as needed. The first, and one of my favorites, is "Connect and Redirect." Essentially, by first connecting with a child's emotional, right-brain, you can then join with their logical, left-brain to solve problems and make decisions. "Connect and Redirect," tells us "when a child is upset, logic often won't work until we have responded to the right brain's emotional need." This connection is essential and can take practice and patience on the part of the parent or caregiver.

“Name it to tame it."

Another strategy that closely follows “Connect and Redirect” is “Name It to Tame It.” This strategy helps us reign in the “raging right-brain behavior” by using “left-brain storytelling" and words to calm emotional storms and bodily tension. "Move it to Lose It" is all about using physical activity to shift a child's emotional state. One skill I use in my office nearly every day is "Let the Clouds of Emotion Roll By" because I know the importance of teaching children that feelings come and go.

Listening to Bryson speak at that conference felt more like a conversation than a presentation. As she shared examples from her own experiences, she brought to life how the strategies can be applied to make a lasting impact on a child’s ability to learn from challenging situations. Similarly, reading through the book feels like you have your own support team.

Through relationships, all things are possible

As a play therapist, I have the pleasure of meeting a child one-on-one for therapy. This also means I create the opportunity to meet and connect with the child's caregivers. During these "grown-up" meetings, based on what I know about the child, I often recommend general strategies and skills for the caregivers to incorporate into parenting the child. Nearly every strategy offered in my office is based on establishing and maintaining a connected relationship between child and caregiver. Through that relationship, all other things are possible.

As a result of these meetings, caregivers typically become quite interested and invested in these alternate ways of interacting with the child. That interest from caregivers frequently encourages me to suggest they read The Whole Brain Child. I share with them that the book covers, in detail, parenting strategies they will find useful and effective in everyday life as they examine their relationship with the child and seek out new, more productive ways of interacting. For those who choose to read the book following the recommendation, the response is overwhelmingly positive. In fact, we very often connect again in my office to discuss how the twelve strategies form the book can be tailored to meet the needs of a specific family and identified situations that have occurred in their own house.

I first read The Whole Brain Child in 2013, and have since re-read it numerous times. Sometimes cover-to-cover, sometimes focusing on one specific chapter or strategy. Meeting different families helps me to understand the book different ways, but the overall message is steadfast and relevant: parents and caregivers are primary contributors to a child’s social, emotional and mental health. I believe in this message and strongly recommend anyone influencing children to take time and understand the strategies outlined in this book as an investment in your relationship with children.