As a DivorceCare support group facilitator, I’ve heard lots of stories about marriages breaking up. Often the person seeking support in our group did not want the divorce. Obviously, in these cases, they have no choice if the other spouse is determined to end the marriage.

But in many instances the person in the failing marriage has been the one to leave, and/or the one to file for divorce, and I’ve found in these cases “Christian guilt” tends to creep in. How do I know God is OK with what I am doing? Is it wrong for me to give up on this marriage? Should I go back to my spouse even though they’re still [fill in the blank]?

So what should a faithful Christian do when faced with the decision of whether to divorce their spouse? Unfortunately, the Bible only directly addresses two reasons for divorce: adultery and a certain kind of abandonment, which we will discuss. But since there are other serious situations leading to divorce, we’re going to use the “Wesleyan quadrilateral” approach, which in addition to Scripture uses tradition, experience, and reason to draw conclusions.

Here is what the United Methodist Social Principles say about divorce:

God’s plan is for lifelong, faithful marriage. The church must be on the forefront of premarital, marital, and post-marital counseling in order to create and preserve healthy relationships. However, when a married couple is estranged beyond reconciliation, even after thoughtful consideration and counsel, divorce is a regrettable alternative in the midst of brokenness. We grieve over the devastating emotional, spiritual, and economic consequences of divorce for all involved, understanding that women and especially children are disproportionately impacted by such burdens.

So, with this in mind—realizing God’s first desire is for those who marry to stay together, but also accepting we live in a broken world where God’s will is not always done—let’s look at reasons people get divorced and do our best to determine God’s view on them.

Adultery

Let’s start with a fairly easy one from a biblical point-of-view. Not only is “Thou shalt not commit adultery” one of the “Big Ten” Commandments (Exodus 20:14), but Jesus also addresses sexual sin directly: “I tell you that anyone who divorces … except for sexual immorality … commits adultery” (Matthew 19:9). Similarly, Hebrews 13:4 reads in part, “God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”

In fact, the Old Testament punishment for adultery is death! “If a man commits adultery with another man’s wife … both the adulterer and the adulteress are to be put to death” (Leviticus 20:10). Yes, God hates divorce, but God also clearly hates adultery, and unrepentant adultery is without question biblically a God-sanctioned reason for divorce.

Does pornography count as adultery? It certainly is on the spectrum, and has sometimes been related to adultery, in the same way gateway drugs are related to addiction. Jesus sets high standards when he says, “I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28).

But despite all of this, Jesus also emphasizes forgiveness: the spouse in a situation of unfaithfulness doesn’t have to leave the marriage. God loves redemption stories. Sometimes marriages are restored when the adulterous spouse is repentant and both spouses are willing to do the hard work of repairing the marriage to bring it back to God’s standard for a loving marriage. Unfortunately, it is also a sad fact that many spouses find it impossible to regain trust or love for the cheating spouse, and I believe that God understands when divorce is the inevitable result.

Abuse

Domestic violence has been a problem since creation. But we must take the cultural context into consideration when considering what the Scriptures say on the subject, since some verses, at first glance, would seem to support abuse as acceptable treatment for married women. Unfortunately, too many Christian leaders have stopped with an incomplete Old Testament understanding, encouraging abused spouses to remain in their marriage due to the lack of a specific verse on the subject.

God’s covenant with God’s people is often compared to a marriage, and thus marriage holds a high and sacred place in our Scriptures. Malachi 2:16 is the verse most often cited regarding divorce: “For I hate divorce, says the Lord.” Interestingly, though, the verse goes on to talk about God’s equal hatred of violence.

Proverbs 6:16-19 lists seven more things that God hates: “a proud look, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that are swift in running to evil, a false witness who speaks lies, and one who sows discord among brethren.”

Jesus was countercultural in treating all people with respect and love, and Jesus is our “Word” in believing that men and women have the same rights to a happy marriage. Jesus says, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10). The type of life Jesus is referring to can be translated as “rich, satisfying, abundant, and overflowing.”

That certainly excludes a life forced to live with abuse.

Should emotional abuse be considered different than physical abuse? Leslie Vernick says no, writing:

Research on those who have suffered with chronic emotional abuse show that it can be far more harmful to their long-term health than physical abuse can be. In a 2011 study funded by the National Institute of Mental Health and by the National Institute on Drug Abuse, researchers found that our brain processes physical pain and intense social rejection in exactly the same way. The primary difference is that physical injuries usually heal. Wounds to one’s soul and spirit are longer lasting and often more damaging.

We can be reasonably certain Jesus does not want his beloved followers living in abusive situations. Physical abuse and emotional abuse are both unacceptable in a Christian marriage, and thus one of the clearest areas where divorce is sadly often necessary.

What about the repentant abusive spouse? Should they be forgiven and welcomed back in the same way as an adulterous spouse as discussed above? Statistics say no. Abuse in marriages tends to come in increasingly-escalating cycles. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence reports that one-third of female murder victims are killed by intimate partners. Bystanders and/or persons who attempt to intervene in an intimate partner homicide account for another 20% of murder victims.

Even for those abusers who seem committed to change and attend abuser programs, expert Lundy Bancroft offers this caution:

At this point in time, we do not have reliable measures of which abusers have made the kinds of changes that will make them unlikely to abuse … in the future. Outcome studies of abuser programs … have found very high rates of repeat offending by program completers. Therefore no client should be said to have “successfully” completed the program – it will take years to know if his completion was a successful one or not….

I believe that the proper length of an abuser program is probably in the range of 18-36 months, with structured “aftercare” for years afterwards.

There is no instant fix for a person who has experienced abuse in marriage, and it takes years before it can even be determined whether an abuser has made real changes. In these cases separation, at the very least, is necessary. I feel confident as a pastor telling abuse victims that God would not want them (and/or any children they have) to continue to be abused, and that it is OK to take whatever measures they need to take to protect themselves, up to and including divorce.

Abandonment

The Apostle Paul writes about the second clear biblical case where abandonment justifies divorce, in the case of an “unbelieving spouse.” 1 Corinthians 7:13-15 says, “And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him…. but if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances….”

A case can be argued for other types of abandonment based on this premise. Since divorce is prohibited by Scripture, it could be contended that anyone who abandons a marriage is an “unbeliever” by definition.

Is it possible to emotionally abandon a marriage without physically leaving it? I would say yes. When a spouse no longer shows affection or behaves in a loving manner toward the other spouse, we can go back to the “abundant life” scripture and surmise that God would not approve of such an unhappiness. A withdrawal of love can be seen as emotional abuse. However, divorce should obviously be the last resort after all other options for restoration have been exhausted.

Addictions

Addictions are not discussed in the Bible in this context. But if some kinds of abandonment are permitted as reasons for divorce, what about addictions? Are addictions equivalent to abandonment? Certified addictions counselor and clinical psychologist Dr. Jeremy Franks believes addiction is similar to adultery and abuse as a reason to leave a marriage, thought not always necessitating the end of a marriage. He writes:

When one’s addiction is severe, it is clearly grounds for … divorce, but by no means is this always the case. When [the addicted person] adequately addresses his or her … addictive issues … a couple can recover…. An individual with an addiction is not responsible for having the disease…. However, once someone knows that they have an addiction, they are responsible for picking themselves up, getting treatment, avoiding people, places, and things associated with their addiction, and working a program of recovery involving therapy, meetings, and the use of a support network such as a 12-step fellowship.

The Four A’s

So, in the cases of the four A’s discussed above (Adultery, Abuse, Abandonment, and Addictions), cases can be made for faithful Christian divorces. Pastor Ron Clark writes that the Apostle Paul’s letters about marriage make it clear that a Christian is justified in divorce when they are pulled away from God because of a lack of peace in their home. Clark writes,

The Christian has every right to demand and expect peace and respect in their home. The Christian has the right to confront an abusive, alcoholic, drug-addicted, or sex-addicted spouse and say, ‘As long as we are married, this behavior will not continue.’ Many times the underfunctioning spouse agrees and receives help. This can bring peace to the family. Other times the spouse manipulates or refuses to get help. Paul would say, ‘Send ‘em packing.’”

What if there are children involved?

Nowhere does the Bible mention that children factor into divorce situations, although often couples decide (consciously or unconsciously) to stay married “for the sake of the children.” Though seemingly commendable and honorable on its face, should a Christian couple who otherwise fits one of the criteria for divorce above stay together if the only thing keeping them together is their children?

Psychologists say although there are many justifiable reasons to remain married for the “sake of the children,” it is also important to take into consideration that children suffer in other ways when their parents are in an unhealthy relationship. Cathy Meyer summarizes:

Please keep this in mind, if your children are happy and secure in their family you should consider their needs when deciding whether to divorce. If your children are exposed to constant anxiety due to hostility in your marriage please take into consideration the harm being done to them if you decide to stay in an abusive marriage.

Children of abusers are in danger, and “staying together for the kids” should not be considered an option in those situations.

So what would God say about divorce?

No decision to divorce, whether clearly supported biblically or not, should be made in a vacuum. God places a high value on marriage and love, and expects us to do the best we can to keep our relationships intact. The faithful Christian response to marital discord demands that we do everything we can to keep our marriages together—seeking counseling, going to marriage workshops, reading books, spending time trying to understand each other, making personal changes—working as hard as we humanly can to avoid divorce.

Jesus and the Bible set high standards for love and relationships. There is no doubt God wants us to be holy and righteous, and that marriage is meant to be a symbol of God’s covenant with us.

But our Scriptures also teach us we have a God who loves us even though we often don’t live the way God calls us to live. We are human and we make mistakes. Thank heaven we can repent and rely on God’s forgiveness when we get it wrong.

“If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).