The first question I have been asking my clients over the past couple of weeks is, “How are you taking care of yourself”?

That may sound like a strange question given all that is going on in our lives. Most people are asking each other how they are dealing with COVID-19, and the reality for most people is, we aren’t dealing very well right now.

COVID-19 has changed the lives of every human being on this planet. And almost every person is scared, stressed, or anxious, none of which is good for our minds, bodies, or souls.

In addition, we are in situations we do not normally experience that are causing more stress on us and our families.

Sheltering in place, working from home, lacking food and supplies, homeschooling… all of this adds more stress and pressure on everyone in the home.

Prolonged exposure to stress will take a significant toll on our minds and bodies. To name a few: memory loss, changes in sleep/weight/libido, intensified health conditions (e.g. diabetes, heart disease, gastrointestinal issues, and mental illness).

When we get scared, especially prolonged exposure to fear, the primal fight-or-flight response is triggered. When the fight response is triggered, we often see people get angry, and they often take that anger out in inappropriate ways. Violence (including domestic violence) rises, families get on each other’s nerves, and we lose our tempers. People also start doing irrational things like hoarding (think toilet paper) and stockpiling guns and ammunition.

When the flight response is triggered, we find ourselves isolating ourselves, not wanting to do much, or focusing on the negative/bad. We end up spending too much time alone with our thoughts or bad habits of consuming our time with social media, watching the news, or unhealthy eating.

Study after study has shown that negative is five times stronger than positive. That includes our thoughts, feelings, words, and actions. So, when negative thinking or behaviors start to take over, we would have to have five positive thoughts or behaviors to just break-even. In other words, when our attention or conversations are focused on the “bad,” we find ourselves feeling more scared, sad, anxious, or depressed.

So, going back to my question, “How are you taking care of yourself?”

I ask that for a couple of reasons. First, I tell everyone my model for therapy is based on a hierarchy of the four top priorities we should have in our lives. They are in order: God, self, marriage, and family (this is the immediate family that includes the children in your home). I rarely see many people/couples in therapy that come into my office living by my model. For now, I will just focus on the self-part. How I explain my model is that everything under the preceding level will break if the one before it isn’t a high priority.

In other words, if you aren’t taking good care of yourself, you can’t be a good spouse or parent.

The primal self-care I look for is eating, sleeping, and exercise. Once I discuss how clients are doing with these, I move on to ask about three additional levels of self-care that are crucial to a person’s emotional and psychological health.

• What are you doing that is fun and/or makes you laugh?
• What brings you peace and serenity?
• What do you appreciate?

All of us know the expression that laughter is the best medicine. Laughter, appreciation, and states of peace and serenity release hormones and chemicals in your brain that make you feel connected to others and help combat some of the harm that stress and worry cause.

I will end this article with the challenge I regularly give my clients. Take time today to reflect on your self-care, especially around fun/laughter, appreciation, and peace/serenity.

Focus on lighthearted material to read, watch comedies or comedy specials, take a bath (preferably a bubble bath, with candlelight, soft music, and no distractions), play games, walk in your neighborhood and enjoy the sights and smells, say hello to everyone you see, meditate, take a nap, write a letter to someone you love, show respect to people who are working during this hard time, let people who are invaluable to you right now (e.g. teachers, doctors, ministers) know how much you appreciate what they do, remind yourself five things you like about yourself, or focus on the good and positive of what you have.

I leave you with the Serenity Prayer. I personally say this prayer many times every single day because we humans focus too much of our time and energy trying to control things we have no control over and neglect the things we can actually change. (NOTE: this is my personal version, slightly altered).

God, grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I CANNOT change.

Give me the STRENGTH and COURAGE to change the things I CAN,

and the WISDOM to know the difference.

The more you focus on your self-care, the more you will help your mind, body, and soul!

Gregg Medlyn is the Counselor in Residence at HPUMC. He is also a licensed marriage and family therapist, and a licensed professional counselor.