You know those moments, right? When the end of a tough day boils down into a standoff with your child who is being difficult.

Let’s say you spilled your coffee on the way to work, had a tense interaction with your boss, got a call from the school because your kid was refusing to stand in line, got into an argument with your partner about whose turn it is to pick up the milk, and now you are sitting at the dinner table with a child who is refusing to eat.

“Ewww! I am NOT eating that,” they exclaim with a look of extreme disgust. These are the moments where it takes every ounce of adulthood to just breathe, take a second, and concentrate on not exploding.

What would it look like to respond in a “healthy” way in this moment? Before we get to that, let’s agree on what "unhealthy" looks like.

Here’s what isn’t good and doesn’t work

By and large, one of the most common (and yet most ineffective) methods of parenting during a conflict is yelling. We are all guilty of this. As adults, our brains are fully developed with logic, reasoning skills, and impulse control – none of which are developed yet in children. This makes it really frustrating for us in the moment of conflict when we are stressed and irritated and our kids are not responding in the way we would - so we yell.

But consider this:

“The uncomfortable truth is that shouting at children is not a good option. Yelling at kids is linked to fighting and aggression, and increased oppositional behavior. And like most ineffective methods of dealing with problem behavior, the less it works the more extreme it can become. Harsh words and frequent criticisms take their toll, and can make people more prone to depression and relationship problems.” –Matt Sanders (Sanders)¹

While it is so tempting in that moment at the dinner table to raise your voice to assert control over the situation, this is actually ineffective and only serves to further the conflict.

A second concept that has historically been very common is spanking in the face of conflict or disobedience. A recent study conducted at the University of Texas analyzed five decades of research around the results of spanking and came to this conclusion:

“The more children are spanked, the more likely they are to defy their parents and to experience increased anti-social behavior, aggression, mental health problems and cognitive difficulties, according to a new meta-analysis of 50 years of research on spanking by experts at The University of Texas at Austin and the University of Michigan.”²

So spanking actually furthers aggression and works in opposition to the goal of teaching good behaviors. Remember, your child’s brain has not fully developed yet, so the message being sent to them by spanking is that when you do something wrong or don’t do what another person wants you to, you deserve to be hit. That is not the message we want to instill in our children.

We can all agree that any type of response that falls into the child abuse category is absolutely unhealthy and extremely unhelpful. This would include any behaviors that are considered verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, including name-calling, putdowns, and any physical contact that leaves any form of mark.

How to parent like a champ

So let’s go back to your kiddo at the dinner table and that moment where you are parenting like a champion and are going to respond to the issue in a really healthy way. What does that look like exactly?

There is a model of therapy called Parent Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT) that places an emphasis on enhancing the quality of the parent/child relationship through nurturing, clear communication, and limit setting³. This doesn’t happen simply in the moment of truth at the dinner table, but the cumulative effect of these practices will make that dinner table face-off easier to resolve.

A PCIT approach might encourage the following for this dinner table moment:

• Reflective listening – “I hear that you are not happy with what is for dinner and are really not looking forward to eating it.” Reflecting what the child says, without adding an opinion, allows you to validate your child’s feelings and let them know that you are connected to their experience.
• Giving choices – “You can choose to eat your dinner and then have a dessert afterwards or you can choose to make a sandwich to eat and not have dessert.” Giving your child a choice allows him or her to have some autonomy and begin to develop critical thinking skills. It also helps to avoid a power struggle with your kiddo, which does not help in resolving the conflict.
• Essential, present moment instructions only – Limit your conversation to the topic at hand. This is not the time to talk about the issue at school earlier in the day. Adding that issue will only exacerbate the current conflict. Choose to address the earlier behavior at a time when your child is calm and better regulated.
• Only give one instruction at a time – It is important to focus only on the instruction around eating dinner. While it may be tempting to ask about homework completion, chores or the rest of the evening routine, keep the focus on this one instruction to keep your child from feeling overwhelmed. That will only lead to further escalation.
• Give a labeled praise – “I noticed that you chose to eat your dinner so that you could have dessert later. I love how you were able to be flexible.” or “I noticed that you chose to make your own sandwich. I love how you were able to problem-solve around wanting something different to eat.” Regardless of their decision, look for some piece of their choice to point out and praise. By pointing out positive choices and ignoring negative behavior, you are reinforcing those positive choices.

What is your child really trying to say?

Ultimately, your children want to be connected to you. The disgust at the dinner plate is more than likely not really about what’s on the dinner plate. When there is conflict, most often this is about some need not being met. It might be connection, autonomy, independence, validation, or nurturing. As parents, we can either engage in the power struggle around the expressed conflict, or we can seek to identify the needs our children are trying to communicate but may not have the words to do so.

Parenting is hard. There is help available.

If you feel that you have tried everything or are struggling to implement these tactics, don’t give up. There are therapists in the Dallas area that teach and conduct PCIT therapy for families. This would be a great way to speak with a professional, identify your child’s problem areas, and practice changing some of the behavioral or conflict resolution patterns that have been developed in your family.

Parenting is hard. But parenting with solid conflict resolution skills makes the job that much more manageable. It leads to less stressed adults and happier, more attached children. So keep calm and parent on!

Jessica Brazeal has a Master of Arts in Biblical Counseling and is a Licensed Professional Counselor-Supervisor. She is also a certified clinician in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), a therapeutic model focused on addressing the impact of trauma.

¹ Sanders, Matt. “Yelling, The Not-So-Silent Epidemic.” www.triplep-parenting.com. 13 August, 2015.
² UTNews. “Risks of Harm from Spanking Confirmed by Analysis of Five Decades of Research.” http://news.utexas.ed. 25 April, 2016.
³www.pcit.org