Not sure about you guys, but the longer this pandemic drags out, the longer my decision-making processes drag out. Now, even decisions that used to be so simple seem to take forever.
Trying to figure out what to do with the kids and school was a process that took a really, really long time, and to be honest, it almost took us under. I kept changing my mind and collecting more and more information. My husband and I would make a decision and then I'd immediately reverse it and start over again. I lost sleep, I cried, I read every article about COVID-19 and kids in existence. And we still couldn’t sort it out.
The stakes are so high and there is so much unknown. We struggled with a lot of what-ifs. Being overrun with fear was surely not helping our process, and it was turning me into someone completely paralyzed, emotionally, and spiritually.
How do we plan when things are so volatile?
How do we make a choice when there are no seemingly right answers?
Recently, I remembered the process of discernment, which is entirely different from decision-making.
Theologian Henri Nouwen explains it this way:
“Christian discernment is not the same as decision-making. Reaching a decision can be straightforward: we consider our goals and options; maybe we list the pros and cons of each possible choice; and then we choose the action that meets our goal most effectively. Discernment, on the other hand, is about listening and responding to that place within us where our deepest desires align with God’s desire. As discerning people, we sift through our impulses, motives, and options to discover which ones lead us closer to divine love and compassion for ourselves and other people and which ones lead us further away.
Discernment reveals new priorities, directions, and gifts from God. We come to realize that what previously seemed so important for our lives loses its power over us. Our desire to be successful, well-liked, and influential becomes increasingly less important as we move closer to God’s heart. To our surprise, we even may experience a strange inner freedom to follow a new call or direction as previous concerns move into the background of our consciousness. We begin to see the beauty of the small and hidden life that Jesus lived in Nazareth. Most rewarding of all is the discovery that as we pray more each day, God’s will—that is, God’s concrete ways of loving us and our world—gradually is made known to us.”
We sat in discernment and then we sat some more. We had all the pertinent information and were well-informed. When we came to the end of our own understanding, we were able to sit quietly and listen to the still small voice within ourselves.
We came to a conclusion together and moved forward. I still have some anxiety about the unknown. I also have a sense of peace because we have done all we can. I don’t know what the future holds.
I do know that this pandemic has taken from me any sense that I am in control. That is a hard thing. One that creates stress and tension, but also one that opens the door for me to learn to find joy in the small things and to try my best to be at peace so that I can still love my family and those around me well. So that I can recognize the love of Christ in my daily life.
If you're facing something that seems overwhelming and scary, I invite you to consider the process of discernment.When we've reached the end of our abilities to decide, it may seem hopeless, but really, it creates space for us to let go and be open to something more than our own understanding.
“If any of you lacks wisdom, ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to you” (James 1:5).
You can check out more info on discernment from Richard Rohr: